Freedom is being disliked by other people

This book is called a phenomenon yet the first major claim in it is 'trauma does not exist'. I was tempted to dump it on the DNF pile. That's Did Not Finish for the uninitiated.

'The Courage to be Disliked' was first published in Japan in 2013. It was still in the highlights section of my local bookshop with more than 12 million copies sold. I decided to forge on.

Authors Kishimi, a Japanese academic, and Koga, a freelance journalist, wrote the book as a hypothetical conversation between a young person and a philosopher espousing the teachings of Austrian psychologist Alfred Adler.

Adler's work in the early twentieth century has been dubbed Individual psychology. He believed - this is a simplification - in the power an individual has to interpret the world around them and take proactive changes, as opposed to reactively being driven by the past.

'The Courage to be Disliked' can read like tough love.

The opening premise about trauma not being real seems thin, simplified and, in current thinking, discredited. The Philosopher character making the case for Adler says:

"...Adler, in denial of the trauma argument, states the following: 'No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences - the so-called trauma - but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes."

I think that's a tough pill to swallow. The case made on the subject is more nuanced and too complex for my short review.

The book does explore other more compelling theories.

The philosopher tells the young charge to avoid giving or receiving praise at all costs. These concepts flesh out interestingly: the book says praise and rebuke reinforce vertical relationships, where someone in the interpersonal dynamic is dominant.

In other words, there's a combative element or a judging element in any praise or rebuke which undermines an Adlerian idea that people are universally equal.

For example, if you tell me I've done a 'good job' that is, of course, against your standards of a good job. The implication is you're assessing me against that standard.

The young protagonist in the book decries this world without praise:

"When your boss praises you, it feels good. That's how it is with everyone. this has nothing to do with reason - it's just instinctual emotion."

The philosopher dishing out the advice makes an interesting point. In a world of inferiority and superiority complexes, we should engage with people as equals and instead of heaping praise, we could offer gratitude. 'Great job' which is judgemental becomes 'thank you' an expression of appreciation.

The philosopher encourages readers to find horizontal relationships, where your contribution is as valid as the next person.

Lastly, we hit the crux of the book's title; the courage to be disliked. It's defined by the philosopher as freedom.

"In short, that 'freedom is being disliked by other people.' ... It is proof that you are exercising your freedom and living in freedom, and a sign that you are living in accordance with your own principles."

While being disliked is never an aim, says the philosopher, it's a cheap price to pay to be free to live life according to what we believe in.

The book was challenging but also an invitation. I found myself thinking about how often I let myself sit in a vertical relationship without the self-acceptance to hold space as an equal. The book makes the case that true self-acceptance gives one a strength when dealing with other people.

The idea that we cannot always be liked is not new to me. That it can be a badge of honour? Well, that's courage.